Gratitude Friday 10 17 25 – Thirty-Nine

Some readers will know from the title what the significance and context is. It is actually one of the most significant numbers in my life. It is how long in years I have been on the path of recovery from addiction. When I started the journey, that first 39 hours seemed beyond the realm of possibility. 39 days would be beyond conceivable before that landmark day when I stopped using and started living. I would have bet the house in that before era pictured above on failing to make either of those two thresholds. And yet here I am a few hours shy of 39 years in continuous recovery. Recovery changed everything for me.

As far as the substance’s thing, I do not drink alcohol, I do not use cannabis. I do not use opioids, nicotine or illicit stimulants. The use of these substances is life threatening for me. There is almost nothing that is simple in respect to the continuum of substance use conditions and the spectrum of their resolution. Yet one thing actually is simple for those with the most severe forms like I have (in remission). The fact for those of us on the far end of that spectrum is that use tends towards more use and inevitably loss of control. In that state, all reasoning goes out the window. I then did what I needed to do to use despite consequences that might come in the following minutes, hours of days. While that may not be the case with other forms of the condition, I am well beyond reasonably certain it is true for me.

You may say it is my fault I am like this. I disagree. I did decide to use drugs, but that is also true for the vast majority of people in our society when you consider that alcohol is a drug. I did not know that my “on” and “off” switch was broken at the start. You may say that I should not have used as a kid, of course you are right, but I made that decision to do so without a fully mature brain at age 11 and the ball began to roll and pick up momentum. You may say I should have controlled my use and its consequences to me and those in my path, but that was well beyond me. The last point may be hard to grasp for some, but I it just is not like that for people like me.

I have an “on” and an “off” switch and “on” is scary and ugly and not what I want for me or those around me. Off it stays.

There is actual science that provides evidence for my course and why for those of us with most severe forms are best to turn off the “use” switch. Not to get too deep on that part of it, but science does show what experiential knowledge has shown people for generations. Dr John Kelly et al in Prevalence, predictors, correlates, and dynamic changes in the NIAAA-defined “recovery” definition published a few weeks ago comparing non abstinence substance resolution strategies to the “off switch” aka “abstinence” found that people who were abstinent were the most stable group, even though they had the highest historical clinical severity. It is a good paper, and there are many other such findings.

Back in the mid-80s, I was doing my own field study in less clinical settings and found significance. My finding: I had no idea what would happen when I used drugs, including alcohol. If I had one of anything it was like rolling the dice and could end with a few or on a longer run with a path of destruction and pain. It was scary and I felt ashamed and loathed myself, thinking it was my fault I am like this. Something overrides no in my head in an unpredictable way that defied any of the variables I tried. The conclusion that not just saved but started my life is that I am simply not wired that way. It is that simple thing I know about the form of the complex condition I have. I can choose “off” or “on.” That is my full range of choices if I want to be in the driver’s seat of my life. Off it stays.

I am not 39 times a superior version of myself than I was in that first year. I definitely like better what I see in the mirror I look into now as compared to then. I suspect that this version is probably a better one of me than would have unfolded if I never had been addicted in the first place. While this may seem an odd assertion, I have failed hard and had to face ugly things in ways that generated humility, in the Latin humilis, meaning "low" or "from the earth." I received an early life schooling in my limitations and what could be done to build my capacity. I have lied to myself and others in ways that revealed to myself the full value of integrity. I have empathy for others I don’t think I could have gained in another way than what I went through. I certainly can’t judge anyone. I have purpose in ways that brought me out of the pain and keep me going even now over 14,000 days beyond that first one on this journey. So yes, I am one of those grateful types.

I am grateful to be alive and to enjoy rather than dread the day in front of me. I do not think I am better than anyone else, yet I do think I am better than what I was and what would have unfolded on the trajectory I was on.  I am grateful for all who helped me in my journey, all those who believed in me when I could see little of value in myself. I am grateful to be a formerly young person still in recovery for many reasons, not the least of which is that I don’t think I would have seen the decades I have had the opportunity to live. There is nothing in my life that I am more grateful for than my recovery.

What are you grateful for today?